I have been working my way through all of the episodes of The Office. For a long time I had heard about it and people told me that I needed to watch it. Finally, I did. Sometimes it just pissed me off because Michael's management style was so inefficient; sometimes Pam was stupid and selfish; sometimes Angela was a bitch. All the time, I was learning life lessons and building relationships with people who are "fictional." They became my family and the people who get me through each day; the people I turned to when I was down; who made sure I wasn't bored; the last people I thought about before I went to bed; people who mean a lot to me and people who I grew to love even with their rough parts. It is just wild because they felt like my only friends.
I know it was only a tv show but it has marked my existence in Connecticut so far. I have very few people here who I know and interact with (including my sister's dog, Brody, and cat, Spanky). The Office was my family. I think I cried as much as I laughed throughout the brilliant series.
Their friendships were mine. Dwight was my annoying best friend. Kevin was my lovable fellow foodie. Ryan was that guy I could not understand but I still wanted to be like. Michael was my Dad in this house away from home. Phyllis was in my knitting circle and Kelly and Meredith were my happy hour crew. I miss working there and being a part of the Dunder Miflin family. It makes me miss my other friendships and want to hold them close. It puts things in perspective. Things are fleeting but life is always happening. I feel like I am waiting for it to begin but it never stopped moving.
With all of this camaraderie and affection in mind, a question comes forms in the shadowy depths of my head. It is going to sound weird at first, just warning you. Why don't we kiss the ones we love on the lips? Most of us are raised kissing everyone who pinches our cheeks on the lips. When did we decide we were too cool for that? Who taught us that at some point you have to pretend you do not care? When did love become so downplayed and unimportant? I want the people I take time to nurture relationships with to know that I love them. A kiss on the lips is nothing. When we were blooming preteens struggling with our sexuality, kissing on the lips may have been racy but that is in the past and I want to bring it back. I want to be able to show my affection. I am not talking a 3-second, sloppy, wet smack on the lips. But a peck goodbye; an embrace; an IRL xoxo. I don't want to make it awkward. Friends, I will not force it, but you should expect it. I constantly reinforce relationships verbally. I just think it needs another layer of protection. Like sealing a pinky swear with a kiss on the pact, let us seal our promise of friendship with a kiss on the lips.
Revisiting the fact that my friends (aka the cast of The Office) have grown up and moved away, I want to talk about the alone rut. Since I need to develop new friends, it only seems fitting that I should explain why I have yet to do so. What is this, you ask? The alone rut can be described as the feeling of being more alone in a group setting than being alone all by yourself. I am hardcore in the alone rut. As you know, I only know a handful of people here, the majority being those friends of my sister and her husband. I feel like a small child being unwillingly dragged from party to party. Even though I sit alone all day and feel malnourished waiting for human interaction, I would sometimes rather stay home than go out with their friends. I feel like I am sitting perfectly invisible between multiple conversations with nothing to add to any of them. For starters, I am in an entirely different place with my life, but even so, I do not feel any connection to the group. I feel more alone and unlike anyone when I succumb to these outings than when I can talk to myself in the comfort of my sister's home. I am desperate for friends, but I think desperate for the friends I already have. I may have high expectations in wanting these people to be my people. It is an impossible dream.
So I say goodbye to my friends on The Office and I offer them a full frontal snog on the way out of the door. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for helping with the move. Thank you for reminding me of what is really important.
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