The thought had occurred to me many times in the last few years but I never thought much of it. I was pretty stuck in one place then, so a physical departure wasn't feasible. That being said, there are more ways to disappear than just physically. I believe I use this disappearing act as a way to cope. Picture this: I received the Harry Houdini Award as a New Member in my sorority in 2011... even they knew what I didn't.
When I really think about it, I think this is something I have done my whole life. I have never been someone who likes change in my comforts. That is not to say I don't like change, because I do. It is to say, that I like my constants to remain constants- friends, family, home, traditions. I am not good with goodbyes. I suddenly get busy, or am late for a rather important date and I must must go immediately. I begin to detach from things when I know change is on the horizon- I skip out on plans, I ignore calls, I forget "us". Simply put, I retreat. I leave physically and emotionally, sometimes both, sometimes either or.
My running can get in the way, but since I am being honest about it now, I can only move forward. Generally people will tell you I am pretty bullshit free. I tend not to play mind games when I can help it. But I have to admit, some of the stuff I do is pretty inundated with bullshit- especially when it comes to dating. I am actually really shitty in relationships, both platonic and romantic. When it comes to friends, it is as I said before- I ignore their calls and cancel plans. I push them away sometimes and don't nurture the friendships like I should. I go missing for weeks at a time and luckily nothing ever changes in our friendship, but it is still something I recognize I shouldn't take advantage of. When it comes to boys, it could be said that I lead people on. I am a nice person and it is hard for me to be honest about my intentions sometimes. So what do I do? I talk normally for a few days, weeks, or months and then I just drop off the face of the earth. I block their number or ignore their texts every time it feels like it may get serious. Ain't no body got time for that. I am not looking for someone to tie me down and to be all in my business. Of course instead of saying that, I just leave them wondering. I feel bad about it, I do, but fear is an evil genius and he tells me what to do. The worst offense I believe was when I broke things off with my last serious boyfriend. I ended it, and 24 hours later jumped on a plane to Southeast Asia for a month. I actually went around the world to run. I didn't go to Asia because I broke up with him, but I don't think it was an accident that I ended things one day before I left my homeland. I didn't even blink. I never looked back and I had the time of my life on that trip, with the people and the culture and the experience.
So the question is, am I running from things, or am I running to things? I think it is a lot of both, and I believe they serve the same purpose. Like I said, I think the act of running is a coping mechanism for me. Coping with change, coping with loss, coping with the idea of loss, the idea of failure, the idea of the possibility of failure, the possibility of replacement, the fear... of everything the future holds, good and bad. The reverse side is that I love my independence. I don't want anything to hold me back or to hold me hostage. I need the freedom to run and to roam. The need to achieve things and make something of myself and this life gives me the stamina to run long distances without looking back. I run because I can and because I am afraid that if I don't continue to run, I will lose my ability to do so. My muscles will atrophy and I will become stuck in the monotony of life.
There is still the question of, "Why?" in a lot of cases. I think fear fuels most of my spurts and past experiences give me the speed to win. Maybe all of these little sprints in my past have been strength training for life; for distance; for the truth of the world; for the ugliness among the beauty of this life. Maybe all these times I have been running, I have been growing and learning. The running challenges me. It isn't always easier to run or to detach and retreat, but perhaps it was just what I need to succeed in the way I want to.
Lately, a lot of my running has been physical. I think especially when I finished school I was afraid of falling behind and being lapped by the other racers. I took off from the block and headed straight to Europe. Before my feet were even back on this soil I was running to Connecticut and now I am on the way to Germany. I have to ask myself, "Am I scared to commit? Am I scared to settle? Am I scared to be in one place- for fear of getting stuck and for fear of missing out on the rest of this world?"
Lil' Wayne can be a wise man, I tell you he is a lyrical genius. He once said, "If you ain't running with it, run from it motha' f&%$#@." Sage advice, Tunechi. I could not agree more. I am not running with the regular crowd. I am not working an office job and wearing a suit. I am not letting Corporate America own me. I am running from it, but I am also running towards something I believe will be better. Is this the only thing I am running from? No, probably not, but it is what is on my mind right now. I don't want to be like everybody else on the #workgrind. I am being naive and believing that if I find something I love and make it my career, I will never work a day in my life. I want my work to take me places. I want it to make me happy and fill me with a long-sought-after sense of accomplishment when I finally cross that finish line.
Following the lyrical gold, I am inspired by what the Avett Brothers had to say about running: "When you run, make sure you run to something and not away from." While these lyrics seem contradictory to Wayne's, they are simply referring to different things. Wayne is talking about not allowing yourself to follow others if you don't agree with what they are doing. On the other hand, the Avett Brothers are talking about standing your ground and not losing yourself because of fear or your past, or any other reason that may cause you to run. I think I can take this quirk of mine and make it work for me. I can run away and run towards something better at the same time. I have endured years of training and I am ready to compete professionally. I am running towards something- my future. It looks dark right now, but I am bringing a light.
Running has everything to do with why I love to travel. Constantly moving and maintaining a steady busy pace. It feels like my whole life has led me to this place, to this conclusion. I have trained for races. I have won some and lost some, but I have each day grown more prepared.
"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls."
-Anais NinI am running so that I may do these things- seek other places, other lives and other souls. So I can fill my life with others. So I can see the world. So I can be me.
