You will be a good comfort
If it hadn't come at that exact moment I don't know if it would have meant as much to me as it did. The whole day was filled with conflict as I am thinking about moving to Connecticut. I thought I knew that I was moving- I have totally convinced myself it is the right move. For me and for my sister. I want to move because I am ready for something new and I desperately need a change of scenery. More than that, I have this urgent feeling that I need to spend time with my sister and best friend now. While we are young, and single (well just me), and free from responsibility (children) and major stress. I just want to make the most of my time with her now. Not that I plan to disappear or for her to do the same, but that I just don't want to look back and see a missed opportunity. When Jordan and I were growing up, I never knew that our last summer was upon us. When Jordan went to college I didn't know that things would never be the same; I didn't know that we would never live together at the home we grew up in again; I didn't know that she would be moving to New England and getting married. How would I know? I didn't even know that when I went to college I wouldn't be living at home again. It took me her entire college experience and mine to realize that is what happens when you start to grow up. I say all this to prove that, for closure at the very least, I need to live with my sissy again. We will wreck shit. We will share so many laughs, tears, drinks, desserts and tidbits of the wisdom we have collected on our separate journeys in this life.
Why was this even a question then? Well a number of reasons really. I love Birmingham- I have come to know this amazing city as home. Beyond that, the people in Birmingham have come to be my family. Its hard to say goodbye of something that grew and nurtured you into who you are today. On top of that, all slew of dead end job applications from the Spring turned into an interview at my Alma Mater. There is a catch though- even though I want to work at Birmingham-Southern eventually and now even, this position is for a Graduate Assistant and I am not in graduate school and don't have plans to be in the next 3-5 years. I have a lot of exploring to do yet. They know that I am not a student but that doesn't really change the specifics of the position. I would be part-time (I assume), living on campus (not allowed to hang out with my friends who are still there), and living on $1000 a month (sort of impossible with loans, bills, and my eating and drinking habits). Still, I could use the experience in any fashion- not to mention a JOB period.
Truly hung up on this decision I have been ignoring it (what I do best) until it just solves itself or until people are sick of hearing me battle with decisiveness. At lunch today, an old friend told me, "Sometimes we don't chose the path, but the path chooses us." I honestly wanted to punch him. Who does this shit actually work on? When the path has chosen me, when exactly will it let me know? How does it plan on contacting me? It is the same way I feel when my Dad tells me to pray about it. I really haven't ever been a big on praying. For much the same reason- how will I know when someone has answered me? What means to an end is this supposed to be? Where do I get this push? Sign? Hear this voice? I really hate it when people say, "I am just going to put it all in God's hands." And what is he going to do with it? Is he going to find a job for you and negotiate a salary while he's there to interview? Maybe I am too literal, but that is me and I can not seem to move past it. So this is where I find comfort in signs. I have always been a big believer. It sort of goes hand-in-hand with my ignore it method. I ignore the issue until an answer presents itself out of the blue in the form of a sign. I didn't ask anyone to procure it for me, it just shows up when I need it. Maybe my heart is the one deciding what constitutes a sign and what it means.
To explain that one, I need to talk about an episode of the Big Bang Theory I saw the other day. Sheldon is trying to decide between buying the Xbox One and a PS4. I swear to you he grieves over it for a week and then finally makes a decision, gets to the store and then second guesses everything. It is a magnified version of every decision I ever make. He is in anguish over it. Amy is there with him and after hours of sitting patiently hearing the pros and cons of each machine, she suggests he flip a coin to decide. Her argument is simple- the act will show you what you really want based on your happiness or disappointment at the outcome. What you truly want is revealed through such a simple exercise. Granted, I think you have to be at a certain point in the process to get the best results.
Jump back a few steps. What am I looking, waiting, wishing for? Should I flip a coin and see what my heart says? I think thats exactly what the sign I found earlier today did. It took a regular fortune and turned it into the answer I have been waiting for to pop out of the toaster and scare the shit out of me. My heart chose these words to stick out and mean something. My stomach lurched when I read it because I had the answer.
You will be a good comfort
I have to move to Connecticut to be with Jordan. I will be a good comfort. I do not want her to be alone there, I don't want to miss her everyday and for her to miss me. I want to be there. I want to. WANT. It doesn't feel like a chore or something to satisfy someone else. It feels like the beginning of my next adventure.
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