Have you ever had that moment where you realize you may never see someone again? It does not go through your mind when you are saying goodbye; it does not seem to jump out at you when you are moving on to the next part of your journey, it just happens and you never seem to grasp it.
The world steps in and tears people apart. Days, weeks, months or years later (maybe never) you think, "our paths may never cross again."
I am going to get personal with examples for a minute. I am hit like a brick to a window with this thought and my world sort of shatters. Do I even want to see this person again? Maybe not, but the fact that I probably will not is too much to handle. We do not have any ties in our hometown anymore- his family moved away and has no real reason to come back. Now we live across the country. If you had asked me 3 years ago if I ever imagined I would be living in Connecticut, I would have said, "HELL NO!" yet, I find myself here for the time being- my path through life changing every second and each step takes me further from someone that, at one time, meant a great deal to me. We have no ties to any geographical spot. We have no mutual friends to help our paths cross somewhere down the road; no mutual friends to fill me in on how he has been; no one to get married in 5 years and invite both of us to the wedding. Furthermore, the industries we are headed into are different and our interests hardly overlap. How can someone who was such a big part of your life leave without seeing you?
I remember the last time I saw him like it was yesterday. I know what he was wearing. Sometimes I smell him around me and I cry, because I know its only a memory and it will not last forever. Do I miss what we had? No, absolutely not (in the nicest way possible, if you ever find yourself reading this). Do I miss him? Do I worry about him? Do I want him so badly to be happy? Yes. A very simple and infinite, yes. I think of him often and hope with all of my heart that he is in a good place. I wish peace in his heart and his journey. He taught me a lot and had a large role in helping me become who I am today.
Want to know the weird part about that last sentence? To be honest, I do not even think he would recognize me now. In the eyes sense, yes, but in the heart and mind sense, not at all. I am 100% different than I was at the end of our road. I am 100% better, but different nonetheless.
Back to the matter at hand though. You hear people say things all the time about people being put into their lives for a reason. Each person is there to serve some purpose or to act as a small piece in a larger game. [Just so we are on the same page, I don't know where this conversation is going so try to stick with me. I am having trouble getting this idea to fit nicely into words.] But why are people taken away? I am not even talking about death here. Would I even know if he died? Would someone call me? Would they even have any reason to think of me in association with him? These thoughts are flooding my mind right now. I think all I mean to say is that sometimes goodbye really is goodbye. You do not have any warning as to when this is true. You may never realize it or put it into crazy illegible "sentences" as I have here.
I know that there are nearly 1000 different ways to keep in touch with people now. I know you are thinking goodbye doesn't have to be goodbye, but sometimes it does. With him, it needed to be goodbye. It is not about staying in touch, it is just about seeing them, touching them, finding them in this universe. [I cannot find a way to get this out.]
One time when he asked me if I ever thought we would get back together I told him that it was not up to me. I told him that if the universe brought us together again then maybe. Even then I never thought we might not see each other again. How can it be that I can smell him, and feel him holding me, but that I may never see him again? Is this mourning? What is this that I am experiencing right now? Do you ever wonder if you had an impact on their life the way they did on yours? Do as many small things remind him of me as they do me of him? I feel like if you are certain that someone isn't going to be a part of your life anymore, you should just try to forget. If there is no reason to keep them around in the flesh, then why keep them around in figment? Goodbye for now, forever.
Welcome to the end of the most sporadic and nonsensical blog post in the history of this week. Can you see what living up here is doing to me??
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